Figment of My Cogitation

I may have coined a new phrase this week, so if you see it sprouting up in the lexicon over the next few months, remember you saw it here first: marital capital. It arose in a Facebook exchange with my friend Judy when I told her that my husband had taken me to a concert on Saturday. She was impressed with his initiative.

“OK, when you say Mike took you, does that mean he asked you to go and he bought the tickets?” (Apparently this type of dating behavior is rarely demonstrated by men who have been married longer than five minutes.)

“Yes…he’ll be at work day and night again for a few days this week and is trying to build — what’s the phrase — marital capital.”

It seems an odd juxtaposition of words at first, and highly unromantic, but the more I explore the meanings of capital, the better I like it. Here are some other uses of the word.

There’s financial capital, which is “money available to build and grow a retail business. These liquid assets represent the amount of ownership and risk in a business.”

Political capital is “the opinion of another person, group of people, or nation about you, your organization, or your government.”

And we have social capital, a sociological term so fuzzy that it nearly defies definition. Here’s the best I could find: “connections between individuals and entities that can be…valuable. Social networks that include people who trust and assist each other can be a powerful asset.”

If you’re chafing against the analogy of marriage to a concept so grounded in economics, buck up for a minute because it’s about to get worse. Ratios.

Specifically the 5:1 rule, based on some research I heard about several years ago. According to a study by John Gottman, successful marriages aren’t dependent on the parties behaving nicely all the time. Even couples who argue frequently can still be content in their relationships if the number of pleasant events they experience together outweighs the unpleasant ones by a ratio of 5:1. So, difficult people can still have happy marriages — they just need to “bank” more good times to offset their bad moments.

This was excellent news since I am, in fact, one of those difficult people. I swear too much, hold impossibly high standards, and like to have my own way because my way is best. A lot of husbands complain that they never know what their wives are thinking, while mine probably wishes he didn’t know so much about every thought in my head. I require lots of attention, except when I need to be left alone. I often trip over the line between being helpful and being critical. Under severe stress, I default to my crankiest, most selfish behaviors  – all at once. My dear departed mother used to refer to my husband as “poor Mike.”

Unfortunately there’s only so much malleability left in a personality once one has reached her Middle Ages. I can make small changes in my behavior but really, most of these dents in my paint job are here to stay. So I modify what I can, and the rest of the time, I work like crazy to build marital capital by doing things that make him happy, which I keep in the bank for the inevitable moments when we will need it.

Like today, for instance. The first thing I said to my husband this morning was, “That shirt is terrible. The neck is all frayed. You cannot wear that to work.” Poor Mike. But apparently the stores of marital capital were high enough that he didn’t take offense, changed the shirt, and actually thanked me for my observations. I’m not sure which positive things worked to negate the criticism, but I’m glad they were there.

I do keep a mental list. He likes my cooking, especially the baking. He prefers that I fold his underwear, even though I don’t see the point. He thrives on lots of hugging, kissing and sex, not necessarily in that order. He likes being able to talk to me about whatever’s on his mind, and he’s grateful that I grit my teeth and support his ongoing relationships with certain members of his family whose company I don’t enjoy.

While I’m earning credit for doing these things, Mike’s busy racking up points he’ll need later, too. He has been overworked and distracted for most of the past three months, and this week at work will be especially hectic for him. So last weekend, he took me to a concert, ignoring my cheapskate objections to the cost of the tickets. We went for a bike ride the next day and had an impromptu picnic in the park. He leaves me a note nearly every morning before he leaves, and he tells me he loves me every time he calls. This week may be rough, but at least I’m starting with a full tank.

So why call it marital capital? Look at those definitions again. Marital capital is what we use to build and grow a marriage, and demonstrates our ownership of it. It’s created by generating goodwill between partners who trust and assist each other. And, as with other kinds of capital, it’s important to keep a certain level in reserve even as you’re spending some of it on a daily basis.